I want to marry three husbands.

Just like the man that asked if I think polygamy and feminism should co-exist😒

Last week Thursday, I was still at work, very, very stressed after such a long day. It was 4:09 PM when I got an Instagram pop-up. It was a message from Tino asking for my opinion on a topic:

“Polygamy and feminism, do you think these concepts clash, or is there a way to merge the two in a way that satisfies culture, traditions, and society?”

So I decided to write. (By the way, he asked me to be open-minded 😂)

As someone navigating a deeply traditional society while embracing feminist values, I found the question interesting. Initially I wanted to ignore as I was too tired to start a back and forth and I also have decided to stop explaining my beliefs to people but on second thoughts I decided to engage.

To be honest, I find the concept of polygamy deeply flawed. A man is permitted to marry multiple women, while those women are expected to stay loyal, bear children, and compete for his affection. On what grounds? Simply because he is a man? Hisses in disbelief.

Polygamy: A Patriarchal Inheritance

Let’s be honest. In most cultures that practice it, polygamy was not designed for the benefit of women. A man is permitted to marry multiple wives, while each woman is expected to stay loyal, raise children, and compete(perform) silently(or sometimes publicly) for affection and attention.

On what basis? Patriarchy. That’s the answer.

The idea that men are “naturally polygamous” and lack sexual discipline has long been a cultural excuse for non-commitment. They are said to be like forest dogs and driven by non-committal wild urges. But women? We’re taught to shrink ourselves and accept less. How is that fair? And how can that ever be feminist?

Choice Feminism and It’s Limits

Now, some might argue that if a woman chooses to enter a polygamous marriage, feminism should respect that choice. That’s “choice feminism,” and I have my reservations about it. Not all choices are made in freedom. Many are shaped by deeply rooted fears: the fear of being alone, the pressure to be chosen, the social validation of marriage even if it’s “one man, many women”. These choices don’t exist in a vacuum. They are often survival tactics in a world that still sees a woman’s worth through the lens of a man’s attention.

Also, choice feminism is a lot like democracy. And what’s the thing about democracy? If the larger part of the society is deeply dumb, the smaller wiser part would suffer from the choices made by the dumb. We say everyone is free to choose but not every choice builds a better society. Just like how democracy gives people the freedom to elect leaders, even those who may ultimately destroy democratic institutions. Choice feminism can give women the freedom to uphold the very systems that oppress them.

Democracy is beautiful in theory, but in practice, it can be weaponized by ignorance, populism, and power-hungry elites(just like we have seen in Nigeria). Similarly, choice feminism without a moral compass and critical engagement becomes a loophole through which patriarchy disguises itself as liberation.

What happens when everyone is “just doing what’s best for them,” even if it perpetuates a cycle of inequity for others? What happens when we call every personal decision feminist just because a woman made it?

So yes, a woman might choose polygamy. But that doesn’t automatically make the institution empowering or feminist. A choice made in response to oppression is not liberation, it’s adaptation.

What Do Women Really Gain from Polygamy?

Let’s be honest, In most polygamous homes(please remember I said most), resources are stretched thin. Emotional support is fragmented. Children are often raised just by their mothers while the father plays patriarch on rotation. The “love” is diluted. The time is divided. The women more often than not are exhausted. Add to that the very human emotion of jealousy. Why place yourself in a structure that breeds rivalry with other women when what you truly want is stability, love, and respect? Are we really choosing polygamy, or are we settling within it?

Tradition has normalized the idea of women becoming accessories to a man’s unchecked desires. Our societies often reward men for their lack of restraint while punishing women for even dreaming of more. For daring to want one man’s full attention. For asking to be chosen and not collected.

Can Feminists Be in Polygamous Marriages?

I had a conversation recently with someone who believes feminists can intentionally marry into polygamy for reasons like power, status, or financial security. And I don’t entirely disagree. Feminists are not saints. They’re not free from contradiction or compromise. You can be a feminist and a social climber. You can be a feminist and still make complicated, even morally grey decisions to survive or succeed in a patriarchal world. Some of those decisions are not even mistakes, they’re strategies.

But let’s be clear: just because a feminist does something doesn’t make it feminist.

There’s nothing inherently empowering about being the second or third wife of a man who already shares his affection and loyalty.

Not unless the structure itself is equitable, unless she too, has the freedom to love multiple people, to choose multiple partners, and to live in a system that respects her agency just as much as his.

Until then, it’s just patriarchy rebranded with lip gloss.

So, Can Feminism and Polygamy Coexist?

Only if the rules are rewritten. Only if the marriage becomes an open, equitable institution one that allows both men and women to define the terms of their desire and commitment. Let it be a party, not a prison. Let it be a space where everyone has an equal seat, not just the man at the head of the table.

If feminism must coexist with polygamy, it must do so on equal ground not beneath it.

My stance on women being open-minded🙃?Open-mindedness is the male synonym for lack of personal conviction And I am not a woman that lacks personal conviction.