8:58pm

The weight of loss

8:58pm 5th of August, 2026

Today I heard it again.

Multiple times even, “you have to be grateful to God, things could be worse. You have to thank him for his mercy.”

Mercy. His mercy.

What happens if I don’t thank God for his mercy? Is he such a vengeful God?

Then I read the book of Isaiah. It talks about life after eternity. Why should I believe that? Today has clearly proven to not be promised to me, why should I believe an eternity I know nothing of? What happens if I don’t believe?

I die? Is God such a vengeful God?

How foolish are we to hope.

How foolish are we to say tomorrow.

I have always firmly believed we weren’t made to do life alone but even that has wavered and I do not want to form any new bonds because what’s the point of starting bonds when you don’t know what the next minute will bring.

How foolish are we to make plans

How foolish are we to have a clock.

Aren’t we all merely puppets? Engineered by the puppet master and tossed away when he wills? Cos surely the bad ones are still existing and even thriving.

If God could allow such mighty afflictions on Job who served him so diligently just to prove to Satan that he was a wonderful servant, then of what use is my life to him? If God could allow his son be crucified to the cross in the middle of thieves, who am I to him? If God could allow John the Baptist be beheaded, then why should he show me mercy?

Maybe I truly am undeserving and have taken for granted the life I have. Maybe, my biggest audacity was hoping.